Recently my daughter Eve has agreed to allow me to visit my grand-daughter Hope again under the condition that I never again let her get drunk on my whiskey. Since I’m currently out of whiskey, I agreed to this restriction. Something I’ve noticed about 7-year-old girls is that they don’t like the same shows I like. I tried watching Dexter and Mad Men with her, but she just started crying. In the end we watched what she wanted to watch, which is why I’m reviewing My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic instead of the white-supremacist fantasy film, Thor.

The first thing that caught my attention in MLP: FIM is the inaccuracies. For one thing, ponies do not have wings, horns or pet dragons. And only rarely do ponies actually have the power of human speech. When they do, it’s usually just to command you to murder your family. Fuck you pony, you’re not the boss of me. I’ll kill who I want, when I want.

In addition to being far more pastel than real ponies, they seem to be shaped differently. I have 57 ponies in my backyard and as you can see, my ponies don’t have the same body type:


In real life, you can see the ribs protruding outward like a xylophone and the skull should be exposed and the pony motionless with various scavengers consuming its flesh. This show may very well be promoting pony obesity. And all of these ponies are tattooed on their backsides like a bunch of tramps. What kind of message is this sending to the ponies at home? To go out and sleep with all the mustangs and then blame it on the Everclear while they slink away to the Pony Abortion Clinic to go get another one sucked out?

This show is very disturbing. It appears to be teaching ponies to become witches and cavort about in the nude giving animal sacrifices to the dark lord Loth-nor. You may have noticed that the subtitle of this show is “Friendship is Magic,” well I can tell you that that I immediately forbid my granddaughter from having any of these types of pagan relationships. When Eve came to pick her up, she was really mad because Hope kept crying. I don’t understand why, Eve was constantly crying around me when she was little, what’s the big deal? I give My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic a rating of 4 Out of 9 Immoral Obese Ponies.

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