Recently, actor and director Kevin Smith was kicked off of an airplane for being too fat. Originally when I heard about this I thought they said Kevin Sorbo and my first thought was, “Wow, Hercules has really let himself go.” But it turned out to be everyone’s favorite tubster baby, Kevin Smith. Smith is most famous for his role as Eric Cartman from the hit show, South Park.

I couldn’t quite remember his filmography that well. I didn’t really understand the humor in Kevin Smith movies, but I was supposed to laugh my ass off every time Smith’s belly jiggled, right? To make sure I have my facts straight for this article, I went and rented some of his films.

-Dogma had an exciting plot and that one guy in it, but I was kind of disappointed at the end when out of no where Smith’s character–Silent Bob–ate Alanis Morristte right up. Gobbled her up like a pie!

-Clerks recieved a lot of critical acclaim, but I found it hard to make out what was going on in this film because they had to reduce all the other characters to mere line segments in order to fit Smith on screen.

-Chasing Amy was this Youtube video where this girl named Amy stole Kevin Smith’s hotdog and made him run after her for it, jiggling all the way.

-Fahrenheit 9/11 was his most confusing one. I think thats the temperature at which his fried chicken burns. Anyway, most of the movie is him walking around in a baseball hat and watching the news.

The best jokes were in the behind the scenes clips showing Smith being resuscitated following cardiac arrest. And another showing him trying in vain to diet and exercise. As soon as I saw Smith crying after being dumped by his girlfriend based on his size, I knew he was a comedic genius.

Kevin Smith, very hungry and about to eat the paparazzi.

We’ll have to see how these compare with the new Jay and Silent Bob movie called Jay and Silent Bob Ride an Airplane. The basic plot is that the airline company will let Bob come along for the plane ride only if he sits on the opposite side of everyone else in it to balance it out. Good call.

If it were me, I’d have a more accurate name for the Jay and Silent Bob movies. It’s Jay and Silent Blob! Get it? ‘Cause Jay is not a blob. I don’t wanna laugh my ass off or anything, but Bob sure is a fatty and that is funny.

Apparently there are some strange people who do not feel that the airline acted appropriately in kicking him off. This is rather absurd. Southwest was very nice to Mr. Smith. They usually just drop fat people out of the plane during take-off to watch the splat. But instead they just pointed at him and laughed until he exited the plane. And this criteria is only used for people who somehow fit through the narrow entryway to the plane which is specifically made to only allow in lithe and willowy sexys.

The “No Fatties” rule is in effect for two reasons. To reduce the workload for the plane’s engines and to make it more comfortable for the other passengers who are all very skinny. The way this policy is enforced is that anyone is kicked off who is too large to be found attractive to the flight attendants. This is why the ridiculously large body builders are allowed on the plane but not their fat counterparts.

I have no sympathy for Smith. I’ve heard people say that he could just be big-boned and thus not able to lose weight enough to meet their standards. That is no excuse. He should just go to the Bone Shaving terminal at the airport terminal and get his ribs grinded off like the rest of us.

If it was an issue of him weighing too much, he should have just filled his fat cells full of helium. There may be some swelling, but I’m sure the other passengers won’t mind. Not if they get to suck on him to make their voices funny.

By the way, it was really difficult to write this review because everytime I did a search for information on Kevin Smith I would see this image:

You can see my predicament. That dugong looks just like the director and I sometimes wouldn’t realize I was on the wrong site until I had enough knowledge to become a marine biologist.

My new wife Crystal almost had a problem of getting fat. I immediately started giving her half her usual supply of Wife Pellets. She sure complained and said I should set her free, but you have to put your foot down. Kevin Smith, the lesson is clear: get back in your cage and stop eating!

I give this fatty a rating of 3 chins out of 5 chins

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