Paleontologists expect me to believe that the dinosaurs got killed by some rock from space.  I don’t know about you, but I ain’t never been killed by no rock.  Allegedly an asteroid hit somewhere in the Yucatan peninsula sending forth a dust cloud that wiped out the majority of the life on Earth. This is referred to as the K.T. Event [which stands for "Killed (Everything Except for) Theropods"]  Well guess what? Dinosaurs are still around right now.

First lets address the obvious example.  We all know that lizards are just regular quadruped dinosaurs deprived of oxygen as explained by Kent Hovind, the world’s leading dinosaur expert .

Case closed on that one. But what about the other dinosaur forms?

Now lets deal with birds.  Remember those legends of dragons? Well, the fact is that people were seeing what evolutionary biologists call a “transitional form” from dinosaurs to birds.  That’s just what evolutionary biologist call it though, I call it Proof of God’s Will!  God, for reasons ineffable, decided that dragons/dinosaurs were a bad idea to keep around so he magicked them into sparrows. That’s why he monitors the fall of each sparrow. Its so obvious!

That is how the process of Divine Will Directed Evolution (DWDE) occurred in what scientist call the Theropod dinosaurs (aka the scary ass velociraptors) but what they don’t want you to know is that dinosaurs also evolved into the other creatures you see as well. Brontosauruses evolved into Giraffes, Triceratops into Cattle and Iguanodons into Piltdown Man.  I mean, Ichthyosaurs looked like dolphins even back then. I asked a paleontologist why they don’t like to talk about this, and she said that those all came from shrews or something. Please. It’s intuitively obvious that armadillos are just miniature versions of ankylosaurus. That’s why I don’t get too upset about running them over with my truck. If we don’t control dinosaur populations, they’ll eat us out of house and home!

For more information, be sure to check out Answers in Genesis!

“But Harry, what about lions? Surely they didn’t come from dinosaurs!” you might ask.  But you’d be wrong. Way wrong.  You see, there are missing links in the fossil record.  Just because we don’t have all the transitional fossils showing Dimetrodon’s progression into a maned, furry cat doesn’t mean that my theory is invalidated.

I pitched my movie idea to Disney, but apparently there isn't a market for the Dimetrodon King.

This begs the question as to why all of these animals essentially just got furrier. Well, God went through some changes. As any Christian will tell you, God used to have a lot harder edges back in the Old Testament. (That’s back when T-Rex kept eating people) and once Jesus showed up he kind of settled down and got a lot nicer.  As a result, the critters he liked got fuzzy and adorable. Trust me, you would not have wanted to hug a Koala bear back when they were liopleurodons.  After all, that’s what swallowed Noah.  Aren’t you glad God was smart enough to change them for you?

These were really the worst things to find fucking around in your eucalyptus trees.

Speaking of mosasaurs, I’d like to point out that some cryptozoologists aren’t that responsible and claim that the Loch Ness Monster is a plesiasaur. This is just idiotic. The alternate theory seems to be that people are misidentifying a school of otters. Look, no one thinks that otters are monsters. And the primary defining characteristic of Nessie is monsterhood, right? Well, then its obvious it had to be a Mosasaur. Case closed. Science, stop crying, its embarassing.

But what about the animals that aren’t furry and cuddly?  These are just the animals God didn’t like that much. So if the Sierra Club ever asks you to save the rhino, tell them to fuck off and die, ’cause you don’t want to interfere with God’s plan to turn his mistakes into piano keys.

This is concrete, REAL science but for some reason the paleontology community refuses to peer review and publish my findings. Those idiot scientists are always trying to maintain the status quo.  It’s ’cause they’re in the pocket of the sauropod lobby.  Filthy corrupt scientists!

Join me next week when I post the addresses of prominent geologists as well as the top 5 homemade explosive recipes!

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