My friends are always trying to compel me to go to the doctor to get my so-called malignant tumors removed. Pssh! If you guys want your time and money to go to quacks and butchers, you go ahead. I will stick to homeopathy!
Samuel Hahnemann initially put forward the idea of homeopathy as an alternative to “allopathy” which is a word he created which means, “people who are a bunch of assholes.” He described how water has a “memory” of what is applied to it and has its molecules restructured. Once I found out that water had memory, I immediately panicked. Luckily, I found that my many crimes will remain unsolved because despite having a memory, the sea is incapable of alerting the police.
Homeopathy can be a bit confusing to newcomers and seen as counterintuitive. Homeopaths believe that if you have a malady (like insomnia) you can treat it with something that causes that malady (like caffeine) but in a small and heavily diluted form. This makes it have the opposite effect. See, makes perfect sense now, right? It’s all based on the Law of Similars and the Law of Infinities, which are true since they aren’t mere theory. But you don’t actually have to understand any of this, just understand that your humors are being balanced. My black bile is always acting up but no longer!
It makes sense to me anyway. I mean, if water gets its molecular structure reformed in this manner, that finally explains why my wife left me. I did everything right but in small doses. Therefore it was diluted and became very bad! I was such a tiny amount of a good husband that it made me the worst husband imaginable. Anna! You can come home now, I understand homeopathy!
It’s really simple, if we poison the ocean a little like we have been doing with our industry, it gets shaken by the tides and diluted. Therefore, it’ll make you healthy! This is why I drink a gallon of the Atlantic Ocean every day.
You have to be careful when buying homeopathic medicine though. Some of it might actually have an active ingredient like zinc or magnesium. These are clearly inferior products that only dream of being diluted beyond detection. Don’t waste your money on statistically significant amounts of elements. Let us not forget, zinc and magnesium are chemicals and all chemicals are bad for you. Why not stick to something all-natural, like raw scorpions? The venom takes some getting used to, but boy is it tasty!
The mainstream, science-based (allopathic) medical practitioners will scoff and tell you that homeopathy is “just water” but these people are either a) in the pocket of Big Active Ingredient, b) closed minded from a life of skepticism or c) have their minds clouded by not having enough homeopathic brain medicine.
One of the things I love about homeopathy, is that it doesn’t need to go through all that annoying testing that allopathic medicine does. Seriously, hurry up, I gotta treat this case of herpes! Don’t have time to wait for no science.
Ultimately, this goes beyond the realm of reductionist medicine. This is about spiritual well-being as well. Science-based medicine has never been able to explain why my life is so empty and devoid of meaning and happiness. Alternative medicine can though. It can explain whatever you want.
Alternative medicine: 1 Geology: 0
Did you like this article? Then you should dilute it until nothing remains of it and then sell it as medicine.