Evolution is a LIE LIE LIE! Yelling that may make my position seem weak but if you just knew how much of a lie evolution is you’d be yelling it too.
Evolution, for those of you fortunate enough not to know about it, is the myth proposed by Charles Darwin in 1750 to justify his desire for sex with monkeys. According to the sacred texts of Darwinism, man evolved from dolphins. No, no, wait…let me correct that. Evolution says that man and woman evolved from dolphins of both sexes or was it just one? Look, whatever dolphin gender it is, I would just like to say the theory is stupid.
Can I be expected to believe that out of nowhere two rocks came together and made my Ford truck? No! But that’s just the stuff evolutionists want you to believe. They want you to believe that two eyes just plopped into your cat’s eyeless disembodied head which then attached to your cat’s headless body.
Look I’m not trying to attack a strawman when it comes to evolution, but evolutionists think the Earth is 40 trillion-years-old. Basically they believe it is more old than the Universe itself (6,000-years-old)! But how could that be?! Can’t these secular scientists do simple arithmetic?
Look, biologists just agreed one hundred years ago that life couldn’t come from non-life. But now they changed their mind! I think where most secular scientists go wrong is when they watch too many zombie movies. Hollywood has infiltrated their minds with the idea that once dead things can emerge alive and well. You wouldn’t think your vacuum cleaner + tooth paste + olive oil would produce something living. But I’m sure Hollywood could make you believe it if you just watched enough movies based on that concept.
Let me just give you a picture of how absurd the evolution theory is. 40 trillion years ago the world came into being (which doesn’t make any sense because the Universe hadn’t been created yet!) when two rocks smacked into each other at 20 miles per hour. Look, this doesn’t explain where the rocks came from, who made the rocks or how the scientists even knew what speed they were traveling at. And don’t you need a Universe for those rocks to be floating around in? Anyway, it gets stupider. Eyeless cat heads and headless cat bodies are for no apparent reason just flopping around. But a spark of lightning just comes together and brings these random body parts into one full being: a cat. Now this cat evolves into most of the species around our planet. Where did the dolphins come from? Well…where else? Dolphin parts. See how stupid this is? It gets stupider still because the next thing the scientists say is that humans evolved from dolphins. But there’s a flaw: why didn’t the humans just evolve from human parts like every other animal? This theory just has way too many holes!
Look I’m not proposing any new theory for the origin of the Universe. I’m just saying to question evolution based on the facts that I have presented you.
Prominent EVILutionist Richard Hawkins (you know, the wheelchair guy) has made an entire career off of denying God. He’s written a wide range of books going from “mildly offensive” to “urinating on a crucifix.” His most popular books are The Blind Breadmaker, The Rebellion Against God–How I’m Leading It and Will Be Punished, The Extended Phenotype and The Selfish Scientist.
Guess what Professor Hawkins: I have my own books too. T-Rex Couldn’t Have Made My Truck, Extend THIS Phenotype, and The Origin of Your Ugly Face. I clearly win the book publishing competition, thus making my beliefs about the natural world accurate. However, Darwinists still have their defenders. Chief among them, is Peasy Meyers, who teaches at the University of Minnesota; Ol’ Peasy has been the most vocal and the most offensive. Just this week he gathered hundreds of atheists to swarm on the Creation Museum in Kentucky. The liberal media hasn’t covered it much, but from what I can tell from Twitter, these savages wrecked up the place, masturbated with the Bible, made burnt offerings to Satan, and burnt Ken Ham(who runs the museum) in effigy. Not an effigy of Ken Ham, but the actual guy.
In conclusion, believers in evolution are stupid, racist, evil and Hellbound and the proof is somewhere in Leviticus.
For information on the horribly evil history of Evil-lution, check out the book Unbelievable History.
Tags: ad hominem, biblical literalism, biology, Charles Darwin, comedy, Creation Museum, creationism, creozerg, darwinism, dolphins, evolution, evolutionism, geology, humor, intelligent design, jokes, Ken Ham, logical fallacies, monkeys, parody, PZ Myers, religious, richard dawkins, satire, secular, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Jay Gould, straw man, The Blind Watchmaker, the god delusion, The Selfish Gene, young earth
December 7, 2009
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